Fake History

There's this place in Florida called The Villages. It's an age-segregated community for retirees: one member of each household must be at least 55; children under age 19 who come to visit can stay for a maximum of three weeks. Everything is golf cart-accessible -- the actual golf courses, grocery stores, even the Wal-Mart across the highway had a special golf cart tunnel built to it!

Admittedly, there would be some nice things about this. No teenagers throwing parties. No traffic. No screaming kids at the movie theater. But really, what an odd place to live. It's the ultimate in manufactured living. Everything about The Villages is planned, supervised, and climate-controlled. There is even fake history! There are "old" trolley tracks that were never used or even useful, and furthermore are not even old. There is a fictional and now-defunct (?) "Cattlemen's Association" which never really existed, but was nonetheless the inspiration for one of the two town centers. An author writing about the subdivision wrote that the area consists of "people gladly trading a more diverse, complex environment for life with a simple, benign, and powerful developer." There is essentially no local government. Everything is owned by the developer, and there are enough people living there that they have basically taken over the government of Sumter County, Florida, and can do whatever they want with it.

Jealous? Maybe a little. But still, what a strange place to be.

Quote of the Day

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

A Word to the Wise

Verizon Wireless customer service sucks worse that summer in St. Louis. Worse than a torn ACL. Worse than the Red Sox.

Here's what happened: I called the 800 number. I sat on hold. Someone answered. I sat on hold. Someone came back. I asked my question: "Hi, I'm a Barnes & Noble employee, and I heard there is a discount available to B&N employees. Is that true?"

Mary Beth: "I don't know."

Me: "How do we find out?"

"Go on the website. There's a form to fill out."

"I tried that. What I need to know in order to complete that form is this: when it asks for 'employer address,' do you need my local store address or the corporate address in Woodbury, New York?"

"I don't know."

"How do we find out?"

"I'm afraid I can't answer that question for you."

"Why not?"

"Because you're not an account manager."

"What do I have to do to become an account manager?"

"We need to add you."

"How do we do that?" [Annoyed that she just keeps making totally unhelpful statements. Try to solve the problem, lady! Don't just tell me why there is one!]

"We need to talk to the account owner."

"That's my sister. Can you call her?"

"Yes."

[Long pause] "Hello?"

"Oh, you want me to call her now?"

"Yes." [Cell phone rings] "Hello?"

"Hi, this is Mary Beth from Verizon, who am I speaking with?"

[Very irritated.] "It's me, I'm on the other line with you. Although I guess I could have just lied to you about that. [That was my mistake.] You need to call my sister."

[Click.] Long wait on hold.

"She didn't answer, but I left her a message."

"Can I talk to your supervisor?"

"Why?"

"Because this is more difficult than it should be."

Long wait on hold.

"Hi, I'm such-and-such, I'm Mary Beth's supervisor. I understand you're having some problems."

"Yes, I'm having some trouble communicating with Mary Beth. I'm trying to find out if there's an Barnes & Noble employee discount, and apparently I need to be an account manager find that out. Why is that?"

"We need to know who we're talking to before we give out any information about accounts."

"Okay, then you need to call my sister and have me added. I just got a text from her saying she's available."

"All right, and I'll transfer you back to Mary Beth."

"Actually could you transfer me to someone else?"

"No, since she's been helping you with this issue, she really is the best person for you to talk to."

"That's great, except that she hasn't really been helping. I'd like to talk to someone who can."

"I assure you, she's very nice and helpful."

[Sarcastically.] "Could you please ask her to demonstrate that for me?"

[Transfer to Mary Beth. Long wait on hold while she calls E.]

"I spoke with your sister. What is the password on the account?"

[I tell her.] "Now, for the last 10 years or so, this account had a different password. What happened to that one? Why, when I offered it to you before, was that not good enough?"

"I don't know what happened to it."

"Can we put that password back on?"

"I'll have to call your sister."

"Okay, call her."

[Long pause.]

"Now?"

[No, tomorrow, dumbass.] "Yes. Now."

[Long wait on hold.]

"Okay, I spoke with your sister."

"Great, and the password is now xxxxxxx, is that correct?"

"That's what you have to tell me."

[Incredulous.] "xxxxxxx."

"That is correct."

"Isn't that what I just said?"

"Yes."

[Really? Was that a necessary restructuring of sentences? At this point, I'm so infuriated that I have lost all logic and have almost forgotten why I called in the first place.] "Okay, now. Let's start over." [Slowly and clearly.] "I am a Barnes & Noble employee. I understand there may be a Verizon discount for Barnes & Noble empl...."

"You need to fill out the form on the website."

"I understand that. I am on the website. I am filling out the form. Where it says 'employer address,' do you need my local store address or the corporate address in Woodbury, New York?"

"I don't know."

"You WHAT?

"I don't know."

[Irate.] "You mean I had to be identified as an account manager for you to tell me that you don't know the answer to this totally non-account-related question?"

"Yes."

[Click.] That was me hanging up on her. There were no more words. Only steam. Coming out of my ears.

Then, in a hail Mary attempt to figure this out, I called the local Verizon store, and only providing them (1) the name of the account owner and (2) the fact that Barnes & Noble uses an ampersand rather than an a-n-d, I knew the following:
- there is, in fact, a B&N employee discount
- the discount is 15%
- they have forms in the store I can fill out to apply for the discount
- it normally takes 1-2 billing cycles for the paperwork to clear and the discount to appear on the bill
- they are open until 9pm, if I would like to stop by
- our account already has a discount on it of 15% (thanks to E's employer), so there's no point spending any more time on it
- they are immensely more helpful and kinder than the people at customer service
- I just wasted an hour of my life on the phone with said customer service, when I could have found out this information in 4 minutes - FOUR MINUTES - if I had called the store first

That is time I will never get back. So now I'm spending more time writing about it (what is that they say? "Never throw good money after bad?" So much for that), but hopefully you're at least entertained my my travails. That makes it all worth it. Almost.

PSA: The same might also be true of other cell carriers. Give it a shot next time you need help. See how it goes. I know I will.

We joined the circus!

Wait, no, that's not right. We went to the circus! Yeah, that's it.

Last night, as an addendum to my birthday present, K took me to Circus Flora! Did you know that St. Louis is one of only three cities in the country which has its own circus? I also learned that the "Flora" of Circus Flora is an elephant. She performed with the circus until 2000, and now lives at an elephant sanctuary (yes, they exist) in Tennessee.

We started out our circus fun with a must-have: cotton candy! How can you be at a circus without it?

This year's theme is Don Quixote, so the circus acts were set to the story of the Knight of the Mournful Countenance, and his intrepid sidekick Sancho Panza.

Let me tell you, if you've never been to the circus before, you should go. Because it's crazy. It's a circus, in fact. There were horses, lots of horses. The booklet gives some info: an American Saddlebred, an Overo Paint and a Mustang-Overo Paint cross, a Belgian Quarter-Cross, an Arabian stallion, and a Percheron-Morgan cross. On these horses, people did tricks. There was lots of swinging around and spinning, jumping on and off while the horses were running around the ring, standing on the back of one horse, or the backs of two horses, while they trot around...you get the idea.

There were also dogs. Doing tricks. And a Shire horse, a Miniature Donkey, and a dozen White Welsh Ponies. Doing tricks. And three Pygmy Goats. Doing tricks. While riding on the ponies. It was a festivus animalia. Oh, and there were roosters too.

And that's just the animals. There were also lots of people doing tricks. There was a tightrope walker doing backflips (yes, on the tightrope). There was a group of 6 Trapezoids (K and I decided this is what trapeze artists should really be called). There were tricks with whips and lassos. There was gymnastics. And cheerleading. And there were jugglers. And the cheerleaders juggled. And they gymnasts cheerled (now a word). And the jugglers did gymnastics. All at the same time. It was hard to keep straight who was who and what was what.

And on top of it all, there were Cirque du Soleil-style acrobats flipping around in the air while supporting themselves by holding on to giant cloths hanging from the ceiling. Oh, and two girls doing a bunch of crazy acrobatics on a 4-foot diameter hoop suspended high above the ground and spinning around!

Quite a display of skill and strength. It was impressive. I think I spent most of the evening with my mouth hanging open. In fact, there were a number of times when I was so enthralled by the acts that I forgot to clap for them. Oops. I hope they know that silence = "I am impressed."

And on top of it all, the circus really was a technical marvel. Every act needed different equipment. And it was all hanging from the ceiling, suspended somehow, but pulled up the side until it was needed. And some of these acts required a lot of equipment, like the trapezoids. They had two swinging trapezes, plus two other platforms for standing, plus the net to catch them (which they didn't need, except to dismount), plus ladders to get up to it all. And somehow, the Ring Crew of 6 managed to put on the whole show without anyone falling to their death (bonus!), and without any equipment hang-ups, lines crossed, etc. And this whole thing happens is a totally impermanent circus tent! Incredible!

There was a little hiccup at the beginning, though, where some guys try to pull Don Quixote down from his horse, and his armor got caught on the saddle. The horse put up with it for a minute, then was like "wtf, mates?" and tried back away. Thankfully, he realized that there was still someone attached to him, and stopped before disaster ensued. And the Don got his armor unstuck.

The circus tent is great, not just for the ambiance, but because it's not very big. There weren't more than probably 15 rows of seats, so even in the back, you're not too far away. K got us good seats, though, row 4. Just don't use your cell phone, or you'll get thrown out - they are strict about photography. Probably because people might die if you flash in their eyes at the wrong moment. (However, there are some photos on their website, which are totally worth checking out.) Anyway, the whole thing has a very up-close-and-personal feel about it, which was lovely. There was even an audience participation portion of the evening (K was terrified).

And at the end, the performers all wait outside the doors of the tent to greet you (K and I were totally checked out by (1) an usher, and (2) one of the guys who did tricks on horses - awesome!). And as you exit to the parking lot, Sancho Panza wishes you well.
(K apologizes sincerely for her lack of skill with the Blackberry camera.)

Take Your Dog to Work Day

Field trip!

Again, with the cell phones

Since when is it appropriate to talk on a cell phone in a public restroom?

I posit that it has not become, and never will become, appropriate. People are doing their private business in there. It's awkward enough to have other people in the restroom with you. This awkwardness is exacerbated if your bathroom companions are jabbering away to someone on the other end of the line who (1) probably has no idea their conversation partner is sitting on the pot, (2) probably doesn't know you (maybe it's better that way?) and (3) probably doesn't want to hear whatever might be going on in the bathroom.

This happened to me most recently when I was at the SASF Conference at the Lake of the Ozarks. Which makes it all the more inexplicable and awkward, for two reasons:

First, this woman was an attorney, a conference attendee. And as best as I could tell, she was talking to someone else back at her office. Not appropriate.

Second, lawyer jokes aside, I would have expected better. We are professionals! We should at least pretend to have more social skills than my dad's dogs! (No offense meant, but you all know what I'm talking about.)

I admit, this is not a 150-million-gallons-of-crude-oil-leaking-into-the-Gulf-of-Mexico scale problem. But really, people, develop a sense of decency, would you?

More from Columbus

Special thanks to Charles, who was snapping pics all day (one of the perks of not racing!). They are available here. I think the only ones of me are on pages 6 and 7; I'm in a 2x with T, I'm wearing the red hat, she's wearing a white one.

Remember how I said I caught a monster crab in the 1x race? Well, T also caught one in the 2x race, but only a baby one. It slowed us down a bit, but we still performed respectably. The girls in the purple ended up winning, followed by the girls in the blue with the red stripe, then us. There were actually 11 boats total that raced in the Women's Masters 2x event, and we had the 4th fastest time, but because of the way they did the events/times/handicaps/I'm not sure what, we ended up with a bronze medal. (Ask the regatta guys, not me. I have learned not to look a gift horse in the mouth!)

Too many books?

Never!

Midwest Masters Sprints, Columbus

Summer regatta season is in full swing. Yesterday, the St. Louis Rowing Club's contingent of masters sweep rowers and scullers raced in Columbus. It was a full day of racing, and a hot one too! But, back to the beginning...

K offered to drive me to the Lake on Friday morning. I was supposed to meet R there at 9:00 to depart for Columbus. K and I were on the highway, and heard a thud. Bad news. K had a flat tire. Inauspicious beginning. We called Dad, because I needed to get to the Lake. In the meantime, we starting changing K's tire. Dad pulled up in his big truck and blocked traffic so we wouldn't die (we were on the side on the interstate), and we finished the tire change. Just about that point, a friendly neighborhood police officer showed up to make sure all was OK. Thanks for the help, dude, we're good.

So dad took me to meet R at the lake, and K had to go get a new tire :-( R and I set off to pick up C at his house in Glen Carbon. (One of Money magazine's 2009 best cities! Who knew?) Anywho, we set off for Columbus, with a brief stop in the middle of nowhere for lunch at...wait for it...Cracker Barrel!

Our Trusty Steed

And just for the fun of it, because E (another rider in our caravan) had never had any:

We arrived in Columbus sometime around 5 and headed to the course to rig up some of the small boats. It was a nice course -- straight and fully buoyed -- though only about 900 meters. (But trust me, I'm not complaining about that.) The scene:

Dinner that night was at Champps, then fairly early to bed. Finally, a good night's sleep! In bed by 10:30 or so, and didn't have to get up until 6:30! That's a full 8 hours! Geez, I can't remember the last time that happened. Not to mention that we were staying at a Hilton, which typically have amazingly comfortable mattresses. This one was no exception.

The next day started out overcast, and got more overcast. And drizzly. And windy. Those were the charming conditions of my race in a single (1x). However, due to the shortage of club boats for lightweights, I did not have a good one to race. R was very generous, and let me use his fancy new Kaschper.

The race actually, despite a major-ish mishap, went better than expected. I was racing in the open weight category, so the girls in the race were significantly bigger than me. Additionally, I was in the lane that was getting the worst wind, because it had the least protection from the stake boat dock. Neither of these things are comforting as we're sitting at the stake boats waiting to start. Then the flag goes down. I had a pretty good start; I didn't go quite straight, but I did manage to get out ahead of some of most of the other boats, including T, the other girl from St. Louis. Then the warning siren goes off, and they call our race back to the start. I had probably taken 15 strokes or so, and somehow during that short time, the girl in the lane next to me ended up in the water.

So we go back to the start. She pulls up to the dock and a very nice man dumps all the water out of her boat for her. Then we start again. Still a pretty decent start, and I went a bit straighter (I was learning to compensate for the wind). I was holding on to second place until about 5 strokes past the 500-meter mark, where I caught a crab on my port side. I was inches from going in the water. The launch that was driving along next to me thought I was going to go and came to a screeching halt. (Thanks anyway, guys.) Thankfully, though, I was able to get my blade out of the water before total disaster struck. I started rowing again, and managed to finish 3rd!

Oh, and there was a spider in my boat. I saw him crawling around before the race started. I tried to flick him out, but he ran away. After that I couldn't find him. That always makes me nervous.

The remainder of the races were not quite as eventful as the first. T and I raced together in the open weight womens' double (2x) race. We also finished 3rd. There were some fast boats in our flight.

Sometime after the 2x with T, the weather totally turned around, and was all of the sudden miserably hot, humid, and with blistering sun. But that didn't deter R and I; we were a last-minute entry into the mixed 2x, and we finished 4th, having never rowed together before! The last race of the day was the quad (4x). Another bronze medal, but a pretty good race altogether. I could tell I was tired, but I think all four of us managed to hold it together pretty well.

Regatta planners typically put mixed eight (8+) races at the end of the day. They do this because those races are usually kind of a joke, people who have never rowed together before, just for fun. But the problem is this: 8s are the first boats that have to go on to the trailers. I mean, there's some stuff you can do without them, but you have to still have enough clear space to be able to get the biggest, heaviest boats up to the very top rack of the trailer. That requires a lot of people. And they need places to stand on the trailer. So you can't put too much stuff on the trailer or you'll never be able to get the boats up.

It probably took another hour and a half to get the trailer loaded after the last boats came in. Then we started the long trek home. I think I finally made it to bed about 2:30 this morning. And I have three bronze medals to show for it.

La Calle Mango

I was at my bookstore recently, and saw the following book:
This is the Spanish-language version of the book The House on Mango Street (originally written in English, I'm fairly sure).

Now, you speakers of Espanolish out there might appreciate why I think this is funny. There is actually a word for "street" in Spanish. It's calle. (Not to be confused with caballo, Carlos Lee.) So here is my confusion (although I know the answer, it still seems silly): why is it La casa en Mango Street rather than La casa en la calle Mango?

I know, I know, "Mango Street" is a proper name. But it's not like, for example, "Mary." In that case, the lady's given name really is Mary, not Maria. So why call her Maria just because you speak Spanish?

But with "street," it's more like a descriptor, and there's a perfectly apt word in Spanish: calle. Streets in Mexico (and Spain) are often "calle el" or "calle de" or something to that effect. For example, check out this hotel, on Gate Street in Tenerife, Spain: Calle el Portillo. So why not use calle? Everyone knows what it means, and that's how streets are titled in the Spanish-speaking world. Presumably the people who are going to be reading this Spanish-language book are Spanish speakers, right? So much for catering to your audience.

Fun at the...Conference? Fun at the pool!

In fact, yes, both were fun. And I had never been to Tan-Tar-A before, so now I've been somewhere new!

This year I was a "1st Time Attendee" at the Missouri Bar's Solo and Small Firm Conference. As a first time attendee, they put a lovely purple ribbon hanging from my name tag, so that everyone attending the conference knew I was a newbie. Fortunately, lawyers are actually nice people and no one sent me in the wrong direction or stuck a "kick me" post-it on my back. I don't think. At least I didn't get kicked.

Seriously, though, it was both an enjoyable and educational experience. I arrived early Thursday and dove right in. There were CLEs galore, lunches and refreshment breaks, and a happy hour and dinner. The dinner was luau themed, which seemed appropriate given the lakeside setting. There was loads of food, including three whole pigs! And I hula danced!

Friday was more of the same: another CLE-filled day with lots of food thrown in for good measure. Breakfast and lunch buffets, and loads of between-meal snacks. I think I gained 10 pounds while I was there!

K and E arrived Friday night for the weekend; Friday was K's birthday! We went to dinner at J.B. Hooks, then had a couple of drinks at the resort bar.

K and E enjoyed a leisurely Saturday morning which included breakfast and a trip to the pool, while I finished up with the last of the CLEs and grand finale lunch. They were giving away loads of prizes at the lunch (the best were an iPad and a 7-night trip to Jamaica), but you had to be present to win. So I was present. But sadly, I did not win. The tension was thick at times though -- they probably pulled 15 names for the iPad before they got someone who was actually at the lunch. I think they pulled 3 for the Jamaica trip. Sucks to be those other people who bailed early. What's the cost of one more night at Tan-Tar-A ($118) compared to 7 nights in Jamaica?

K and E were pretty fried at the pool by the time I finished with lunch, so we headed to the other destination spot in the Ozarks: the outlet mall! We spent probably 5 hours going shop to shop, and were quite successful, I must say.

We were also quite hungry! I'm fairly certain that, as a consequence, we made a record-breaking trip to Bandana's. We were in, ordered, we ate, and were gone again in under half an hour. And K only made a fool of herself twice while we were there!

All the shopping did a number on her knee, so she spent the rest of the evening (after we busted back into our own room which we were locked out of by hotel staff?!?) hanging out under a bag of ice.

Sunday morning, K and E indulged me with a short trip to the pool, as I had missed out on the fun the day before. We didn't stay long -- it was miserably hot and everyone was getting pretty toasted, but it was enough to quench my pool thirst. And we met Priscilla, the duck who lives in the pool area. Her partner Elvis had apparently left her there on her own. The pool guy said not to worry; Elvis would be back.

We made another quick trip to the outlet mall to hit a couple shops we missed the night before, then fled the Ozarks for Jefferson City. We stopped to see Uncle P, who took us to see what will soon be (fingers crossed!) his new house! Very exciting news, and always good to see him.

The remainder of the trip was distinctly less exciting -- the 2-hour drive back home was intermittently punctuated by pouring rainstorms. You know the kind: they're so bad they slow or stop traffic on the highway. That made for stressful driving. But we made it; E went home to S, Dad was collected from the airport, and now we're all back to our normal, non-birthday-weekend lives.

So, who has the next birthday?

Sneaky hate spiral day.

I don't want to write. That is all.

Happy Birthday, K!

Can't wait for our party! And your party! Yay for parties!!!!

To hold, as 'twere, the mirror up to nature

On Monday night, our crew -- K, J, Grandpa, me -- went to see Shakespeare in the Park. This year's production is Hamlet, and it was wonderful! If you're in town, I recommend that you go see it; it is running until June 20th. Get there early to get a good seat, take a blanket and a picnic dinner, and enjoy the pre-show entertainment!

Make sure you get some good nights of sleep ahead of time, though! The show begins at 8:00pm, and runs for 3 hours.

What I'm Reading Now -- Inkdeath

You may remember my love of Inkheart and Inkspell, the first two books in Cornelia Funke's trilogy. Well, the last one, Inkdeath, has been out in hardcover for some time - probably a year and a half. It's due to come out in paperback in the next month or so, but I don't want to wait for it!

So I got the hardcover at my bookstore, and will start reading it soon. However, I have been spending much of my free time working at said bookstore of late. I am blaming the fact that I am a slow reader on that (although, really, I'm just a slow reader). But that just means I get to enjoy my books for longer! (And kids' books don't usually drag out in a bad way like adult books sometimes do!)

P.S. (Unrelated, in case you can't tell) I had a spoonful of peanut butter yesterday afternoon for a snack, and it was delightful. You should try it if you need a little something.

In Other Rooms, Other Wonders -- Take 2

Here is something I never thought I'd say: "Yay for short stories! I have, historically, not been a fan of short stories, which a couple of exceptions (Tobias Wolff, Ernest Hemingway). I now have to add this collection to my list of exceptions.

One thing that always amazes me about good short stories is how much the author can convey about a character, often in just a few pages. Some of these stories are significantly longer than others, but even the short ones do well at this.

Mueenuddin's writing is good. It's not great and flowery and "notice-me-now!"; neither is it noticeably bad. I found it to be totally neutral, and as such it fades into the background. The characters really take center stage, not the author.

Another great thing about this book is the cultural shift. All the stories are set in Pakistan, a place I have never been. But I sort of feel like I have now. And I have seen the cities and farms through the eyes of the servants and the wealthy, the wives and the husbands, the elderly and the young -- quite an array of viewpoints and experiences. (Note: if you're not interested in submerging your mind in another culture, don't waste your time with these stories. They'll just make you crazy.)

Short stories in general, as it turns out, are nice because they are short. (Who knew?!?) You can finish one, and really be finished. You know how you get that sense of accomplishment when you finish a book? Well, with short stories you get that more often (though maybe not to such an extent); regardless, you get to start over fresh with a new story when you're ready. It's like a little breathe-and-reboot break for your brain. There are wonderful things that can be done with the longer form of the novel, but sometimes they seem just a little too long, and it's nice to switch to something short and neat occasionally. These stories do the trick just beautifully.

Fun at the Faire!

J and I had quite an eventful weekend! So I'm going to tell you about it!

The fun started with a Friday night graduation party. A grade school graduation party for his first cousin, once removed (if I have figured that right). But this was an impressive soiree. Abu Dhabi-style outdoor canopy with benches and tiki torches, and lots of food and drink inside, include some most delicious brisket which I couldn't stop eating!

Saturday J did a 5K mud run in Mascoutah, IL, but was smart enough to take a change of clothes, because turns out they weren't lying about the mud part. After another recreational 6-mile run on his part and some reading on mine, we headed to a birthday party for a 1-year-old. Fun abounded. And cake flew. I tried to avoid the kids, although there was one who thought it was really fun to hit me in the head with the balloon he wouldn't let go of. That was annoying. But there was cake, so I let it go. J just kept feeding me ice cream to keep me occupied.

After an near-derailment, we headed to Sauget to go to a Gateway Grizzlies game. Games like that are fun because you get to sit close and see everything. In fact, you're so close that the players actually look like full size people! Plus, we got 10 pitches each at the batting cage (P.S. I am not good at baseball), a free hot dog/chips/soda dinner, and $10 "Grizzly Bucks" to spend on whatever we wanted. We got more ice cream. And the Grizzlies lost. But there was ice cream, so I let it go.

Sunday held an outing to the Greater St. Louis Renaissance Faire. I had never been to a renaissance fair (faire?) before, and yesterday was the last day, so I wasn't going to miss it. J had been to one before, so he had a better expectation of the amount of crazy that was going to be there. And lemme tell you, now that I have been to one, there is a WHOLE LOTTA CRAZY going on!

Map of the Faire

I should be old enough to not laugh at this, but I couldn't help it!

But that doesn't mean it wasn't fun. We saw a guy called "Adam Crack" who specialized in whip-cracking. With regular whips, he did rhythmic stuff, and broke pretzel rods which he held in his mouth, and other stuff. Then he used a steel chain mail whip to bust in half a soda can, which exploded everywhere. Then he played with the fire whips! The most impressive bit was when he put half the soda can on his head, and knocked it off with a fire whip. Whew, that was close. He doesn't have any hair. I can see why.

We also saw sword swallowers (crazy business, that!) and Molotov the Gypsy, who was basically a comedian/juggler. He made a lawyer joke, something about how they're not trustworthy. Then he started picking people out of the crowd for the audience participation portion of the program, and he picked me! I tried to get out of it by telling him that I'm a lawyer, but no dice. I didn't have to do much actually, just go on stage, be humiliated a bit, and tie a blindfold on him. That was so he could blindly juggle flaming torches. Smart move. (Lots of fire at the fair, I discovered.) But everybody survived, and I got a carved wooden rose for my troubles.

Another thing they have lots of the the fair is strange animals. They had ponies for pony rides (J really wanted to go, but decided against it), camels, a llama, goats, and lots of others.

We saw the jousting, which is one of the main attractions. It was fun to see, although brutally hot because we were right out in the blazing sun. Most of the other stages were set back in the trees, so you were in the shade while you were watching the shows. And worst of all, because it's so popular, you have to get to the joust early, so you can get a seat. So J and I killed time roasting in the sun by eating a giant turkey leg and a funnel cake. Because really, what would a day at a fair or park be without a giant turkey leg and a funnel cake? Wasted, I tell you. The joust was OK too :-)

On our way out of the fair, we stopped to see the Pirate Shantyman and Bonnie Lass, who sang and danced on stage.

They were followed by Moonie the Magnificent, who was the best of the bunch, as far as I'm concerned. He did no talking until the very end, just gestured and whistled and hummed. He was really funny, and J even got to participate!
I'm not sure how thrilled he was about it, but it did gain him yet another compliment on the awesome shirt that I gave him when he got the job in EStL. (I can't find a picture of it, but it says "Visit beautiful East St. Louis" and has 4 or 5 bullet hole images through it. Hehe.) Moonie also juggled flaming torches, but not with his eyes closed. He did, however, do it standing on a tight rope on one foot. Pretty impressive.

We departed the fair (sorry, faire) and - at J's urging, believe it or not - headed a tad further west to the outlet mall in Warrenton (it's more like a strip mall, but that doesn't sound as good). We were shopping at Nike store when one of my contact lenses started acting up. After messing with it for a while, digging around in my purse for eye drops, etc., we had to make an escape to the public restroom eight stores away so I could wash my hands (after the dirty fair) to put it back in. Success. On the way back to Nike, we stopped at Nine West. Shoes I like! Success. Not in my size. Success reversed. Found two dri-fit shirts on clearance at Nike, and J got running shorts. Success. Heading to the car to drive to Gap at the other end of the mall. Keys are not in my purse. Definite lack of success.

We go back into Nike now for the third time! I try to retrace my steps, but it's hard when I've been there multiple times and was all over the place. No luck. I ask the girl at the registers (not the same one we bought our stuff from) if anyone has turned in lost keys. No success. J smartly suggests that maybe I set them on the counter in the bathroom when I was washing my hands. So we hike back to the restrooms to check. No success. Now I am sad. Also at this time, it occurs to us each separately that, since there are not many cars, and even fewer Hondas, in the parking lot, it might be smart for one of us to wait by the car -- just so someone who found my keys doesn't decide to drive off with it.

In the meantime, I've checked back at the Nine West store. No success. Recalling that I really don't think I had anything in my hands on the first bad-contact-lens hike to the restrooms, I think Nike must be where I lost them. But the problem was, I was ALL OVER the store, twice! I was in the fitting rooms, in the shoe section trying on shoes, and dumping out my purse to find eye drops, I was at a t-shirt display table still dumping out my purse to find eye drops, I was playing with the miniature soccer and basketballs.... You get the picture. Then, just as I'm starting to lose hope and thinking I'll have to call K to drive 60 miles to pick us up (it's now 5:30 and the shops all close at 6:00), I turn around to find...SUCCESS! Someone had set them at the register of the girl who checked us out, but she had not been back there to find them, and had not conferred with the girl I talked to. So. Whew!

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We did not let this little terrifying adventure deter us from our Gap shopping, though. I got two shirts and a pair of jeans, and J basically got a whole new wardrobe. Success!!!

Visitors, Please Don't Visit Us!

I went to the doctor yesterday. My doctor's office is part of a hospital complex of offices, such that by the time I get to the check-in window, I've already passed through common hallways and elevators, as well as my doctor's own waiting room.

Then, there, next to the check-in window, is a sign saying: "Visitors: if you have the flu or flu-like symptoms (body aches, chills, fever, [etc.]), please don't visit us today! Help keep the new babies healthy!"

Question 1: wouldn't it be wise to alert visitors at some point before they're in your office that you don't want them there if they're sick? Because really, since they dragged their sick butts out of bed to get there, you don't think they're going to leave, only to have to come back at some other time, do you?

Question 2: if you're scheduling appointments three months out, and even then they're hard to get and at awkward times of day, what do you think are the chances that someone will really not show up to their appointment? Especially if they've already gone all the way to the doctor's office only to find out that they're not supposed to be there?

Good luck with that one.

World's biggest lap dog

E, teach that dog some manners :-)