A Word to the Wise

Verizon Wireless customer service sucks worse that summer in St. Louis. Worse than a torn ACL. Worse than the Red Sox.

Here's what happened: I called the 800 number. I sat on hold. Someone answered. I sat on hold. Someone came back. I asked my question: "Hi, I'm a Barnes & Noble employee, and I heard there is a discount available to B&N employees. Is that true?"

Mary Beth: "I don't know."

Me: "How do we find out?"

"Go on the website. There's a form to fill out."

"I tried that. What I need to know in order to complete that form is this: when it asks for 'employer address,' do you need my local store address or the corporate address in Woodbury, New York?"

"I don't know."

"How do we find out?"

"I'm afraid I can't answer that question for you."

"Why not?"

"Because you're not an account manager."

"What do I have to do to become an account manager?"

"We need to add you."

"How do we do that?" [Annoyed that she just keeps making totally unhelpful statements. Try to solve the problem, lady! Don't just tell me why there is one!]

"We need to talk to the account owner."

"That's my sister. Can you call her?"

"Yes."

[Long pause] "Hello?"

"Oh, you want me to call her now?"

"Yes." [Cell phone rings] "Hello?"

"Hi, this is Mary Beth from Verizon, who am I speaking with?"

[Very irritated.] "It's me, I'm on the other line with you. Although I guess I could have just lied to you about that. [That was my mistake.] You need to call my sister."

[Click.] Long wait on hold.

"She didn't answer, but I left her a message."

"Can I talk to your supervisor?"

"Why?"

"Because this is more difficult than it should be."

Long wait on hold.

"Hi, I'm such-and-such, I'm Mary Beth's supervisor. I understand you're having some problems."

"Yes, I'm having some trouble communicating with Mary Beth. I'm trying to find out if there's an Barnes & Noble employee discount, and apparently I need to be an account manager find that out. Why is that?"

"We need to know who we're talking to before we give out any information about accounts."

"Okay, then you need to call my sister and have me added. I just got a text from her saying she's available."

"All right, and I'll transfer you back to Mary Beth."

"Actually could you transfer me to someone else?"

"No, since she's been helping you with this issue, she really is the best person for you to talk to."

"That's great, except that she hasn't really been helping. I'd like to talk to someone who can."

"I assure you, she's very nice and helpful."

[Sarcastically.] "Could you please ask her to demonstrate that for me?"

[Transfer to Mary Beth. Long wait on hold while she calls E.]

"I spoke with your sister. What is the password on the account?"

[I tell her.] "Now, for the last 10 years or so, this account had a different password. What happened to that one? Why, when I offered it to you before, was that not good enough?"

"I don't know what happened to it."

"Can we put that password back on?"

"I'll have to call your sister."

"Okay, call her."

[Long pause.]

"Now?"

[No, tomorrow, dumbass.] "Yes. Now."

[Long wait on hold.]

"Okay, I spoke with your sister."

"Great, and the password is now xxxxxxx, is that correct?"

"That's what you have to tell me."

[Incredulous.] "xxxxxxx."

"That is correct."

"Isn't that what I just said?"

"Yes."

[Really? Was that a necessary restructuring of sentences? At this point, I'm so infuriated that I have lost all logic and have almost forgotten why I called in the first place.] "Okay, now. Let's start over." [Slowly and clearly.] "I am a Barnes & Noble employee. I understand there may be a Verizon discount for Barnes & Noble empl...."

"You need to fill out the form on the website."

"I understand that. I am on the website. I am filling out the form. Where it says 'employer address,' do you need my local store address or the corporate address in Woodbury, New York?"

"I don't know."

"You WHAT?

"I don't know."

[Irate.] "You mean I had to be identified as an account manager for you to tell me that you don't know the answer to this totally non-account-related question?"

"Yes."

[Click.] That was me hanging up on her. There were no more words. Only steam. Coming out of my ears.

Then, in a hail Mary attempt to figure this out, I called the local Verizon store, and only providing them (1) the name of the account owner and (2) the fact that Barnes & Noble uses an ampersand rather than an a-n-d, I knew the following:
- there is, in fact, a B&N employee discount
- the discount is 15%
- they have forms in the store I can fill out to apply for the discount
- it normally takes 1-2 billing cycles for the paperwork to clear and the discount to appear on the bill
- they are open until 9pm, if I would like to stop by
- our account already has a discount on it of 15% (thanks to E's employer), so there's no point spending any more time on it
- they are immensely more helpful and kinder than the people at customer service
- I just wasted an hour of my life on the phone with said customer service, when I could have found out this information in 4 minutes - FOUR MINUTES - if I had called the store first

That is time I will never get back. So now I'm spending more time writing about it (what is that they say? "Never throw good money after bad?" So much for that), but hopefully you're at least entertained my my travails. That makes it all worth it. Almost.

PSA: The same might also be true of other cell carriers. Give it a shot next time you need help. See how it goes. I know I will.