Now that I've read the whole of MWF Seeking BFF, I can say the following things: Rachel seems like a cool girl, but probably one I could only handle in moderated doses. But that's true of most people I think. How many times have you taken a week-and-a-half-long road trip with someone and not wanted to kill them at least once? But drinks? Movie? Maybe even improv class? You bet!
I did learn some interesting things though, which I will share for your friendly edification. Comments follow, in more ways than one:
- "When British anthropologist Robin Dunbar was studying the behaviors of primates in 1993, he noticed their social groups were generally limited in size. . . . '[M]ean group size is directly related to relative neocortical volume.' . . . The exact number Dunbar proposed [for humans] was 148.4, but the Dunbar Number, as it has come to be known, is 150." Hmm. Once I subtract out immediate and relatively close family as well as the people I already count as friends, that leaves me with...hmm, math...lots of space for new friends.
- "Teenagers spend nearly 33 percent of their time with friends, but that number drops to less than 10 percent for adults. When we do have time for friends, most people would rather spend it with already-established BFFs than having to be 'on' with a possible new one." Guilty as charged, but I'm trying! I can totally see why this happens, but it is kinda sad.
- "I was flattered and excited by the response [to an essay posted on her blog about her search], but also kind of disheartened. There are so many women on this same quest--maybe not as overtly as I am but certainly internally--and no one talks about it. Popular culture has made it okay to yell 'I want a man!' from the rooftops, so why are we still embarrassed to say, 'I want a best friend'?
When you tell someone 'I'm looking for new friends' what they hear is, 'I have no friends.' They're drastically different statements, but in today's world, you don't go seeking out new best friends unless you have none. Why would someone waste the time? Letting on that you could use a new BFF implies loneliness, and if you say you're lonely you might as well say you're a shut-in."
And later: "Much has changed during this year of friending, but one thing has not. In the eyes of the 20- and 30-somethings, a proclamation of friendlessness still equals loneliness, while admitting you want a lover just makes you a modern woman." Sad but true. Why is it so okay to look for a man but not for a friend?
- But this is why it's so important to look for friends: "Americans are the most mobile people in the world, moving on an average every five years. And while fewer of us are relocating these days--the total number of families who changed residences in 2008 was the lowest since the 1940s, probably due to the recession--those who do move are largely in their twenties and thirties." Well. I could have told you that. But it's good to know I'm not crazy for thinking it.
- "Facebook has basically made high school reunions obsolete." In fact, I did already tell you this little fact.
- "Plenty of research has found that geography is one of the most influential factors in whether two people will become friends. Having similar addresses has been shown to matter more than having similar values or interests." Hm. Need to do some work on that.
- A useful but sad reminder, and also more Facebook-bashing (not my me this time!): "The average friendship doesn't last a lifetime. In her book Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, psychologist Irene Levine writes, 'A friendship, like a romantic relationship, is founded on two different personalities, both of whom grow and change, for better or for worse, over the course of time. There is no guarantee that two individuals, however close they once were, will grow in the same direction or remain compatible. Even when friendship is built on a solid foundation, the odds are overwhelmingly high that it will eventually fracture for one reason or another . . . Most friendships, even best or close ones, are fragile rather than permanent.' . . .
"The evening [with an old friend] makes me think Facebook is a blessing and a curse. Sure, it helps us keep track of people with whom we otherwise would have fallen out of touch. But sometimes relationships fade for a reason. They're better left a memory."
Well, that certainly is a gloomy note to end on, isn't it? Thankfully, the book doesn't end there. By the end of her year of searching, Rachel has made a number of friends. They're not the besties she was hoping for, but that takes time. There's at least potential that a couple of them will turn into besties eventually.
As for my own little self, I've had similar experiences vis a vis people's responses. If you happen to be talking to someone who feels similarly lonely (and they certainly are out there), they're quick to wholeheartedly support the search and have the same laments regarding mobility, which seems to be my biggest hinderance in the arena of maintaining friendships. But people who are satisfied that they've reached their Dunbar capacity look at you with some mix of pity and concern that you've become an alien. Not fun to be on the receiving end of that.
As an added bonus, my friends who are in town/know about this whole process have been very supportive. And, to be clear, it's not that they aren't wonderful people and friends! It's just that everyone's busy these days; it would be nice to have a handful of people to call for a girl date. Maybe most of them will already have something on the books, but hopefully at least one is free for the occasion. That's why it's good that the Dunbar Number is 150 and not 15!
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